Local Man Overpowered by 8lb Feline

Authorities confirmed today that a local resident survived what witnesses are deeming a "bloodthirsty attack". The attack occurred at approximately 15:15 - a time specialists have identified as a low-risk feline engagement time window - making the attack all the more surprising.

According to the victim - Paul Brockwell, 55 - the attack occurred almost immediately after presenting the perpetrator with treats. "I'd think it was just a misfire, but the beast dug its claws into me and wouldn't let go, even after swallowing the treat whole like a ravenous seagull."

Experts caution distribution of treats to greedy cats to avoid grievous bodily harm, but concede that ultimately, anyone who comes into fire of a cat is ultimately always in the wrong.