Holland-On-Sea (York Road) Bowls Club
Useful Links & Tips
Links to local and national bowling websites:
Bowls England - https://www.bowlsengland.com/
Essex Bowling Association - http://www.ecba.co.uk/
Tendring Hundred Bowls Association - http://www.thdba.co.uk/
Bowls Direct - http://www.bowlsdirect.com/
Titford Funeral Directors - 56 Frinton Road, Holland-on-sea, CO15 5UW - 01255 813415
JUST FOR FUN
The Bowlers' own language - how to translate
The Sport of Bowls has its very own language which can totally mystify anyone who hears it, but hasn't had the pleasure of throwing a bowl in fun or earnest. For the information of the uninitiated, here are a few terms translated into standard English.
"Good weight!" = lousy line
"Good line" = lousy weight
"Good back bowl" = you were lucky you didn't put it in the ditch
"That's in their way" = that's in my way
"That could be useful up there" = that bowl is closer to you than it is to the jack
"Get it next time" = you sure didn't get it this time
"He's surprisingly good" = you're surprised he ever makes a shot
"I'd bowl with him any day" = he always buys the first round
Guidance for new bowlers - - and not so new!!
(This guidance is addressed to ‘he’ but it does, of course equally apply to ’she’)
The basic game of bowls is called ‘fours’, logically & understandably sometimes called ‘rinks’. No more inexplicable than calling the game of ‘Two Bowls’, ‘Two Woods’ .Each player in a team of four is allowed only two bowls as this ensures the maximum standing about doing nothing!
At the start of a game it is the job of number one to lay the mat 2 yards from the ditch and
to bisect an imaginary line running down the centre of the green.
This invites the distant skip (more later) to cavort about with both arms extended like a fork lift truck and to shout ‘ to the left a bit’….’not to the right you pillock!’….start again’…..’now straighten the mat so that the backend is parallel with the ditch’….’you don’t know what parallel means!’…..’who let you in?’
This encourages the number 1 to hurl the jack (more later) into the far ditch and send up the skip’s blood pressure by passing the initiative to the opposition.
The number1 is then required to deliver his bowls as close to the jackas he can. This, however, is a lost cause because if he is successful the 14 bowls to follow will surely move him to unchartered places.
When Numbers 2, 3 and 3 have delivered their bowls they all tramp to the other end of the green and the number 1 should avoid the withering gaze of the skip as they pass in the middle.
Number 1 is now required to stand behind the head in statuesque silence. If he lives nearby it might be worth his while to go home for 10 minutes..
Number 2 is in the game to keep the score and ensure that his side wins. On no account should his opposite number be allowed to operate the score board.
To keep the score he does not have to be computer literate or top of the class in arithmetic but a rudimentary grasp of addition up to 21is desirable.
Number 2 must also be a good communicator with his opposite number and this is best attained by being profoundly deaf, real or otherwise. The quality of number 2’s bowling is not important; he is there to keep and cook the books.
Number 3 does a lot of talking because he is the adviser to the skip. Having deliver his own bowls with abysmal length and direction he tells the skip to do this, that and the other. When giving advice number 3 always backs it up both ways…..’you could come on your forehand, but you may prefer your backhand, it’s as you see it’ and number 3 always ends on a note of encouragement, ‘we are 5 down’ If the skip gives away another shot the number 3 is able to say …’what rotten luck, pity you took the wrong option’….Number 3 also does the measuring and this is where games are won. The number 3 who, by sleight of hand, can get two different measurements and persuade his opposite number to accept the wrong one is worth his weight in gold.
Skip is a corruption of skipper and is another bowling oddity. The prime requirement of this role is the ability to swear fluently in 3 languages and motivate members who regard the act of winning as vulgar and unsporting. He must also be innovative, strategic, ambitious, focused, success orientated and have enough spatial ability to do a head shrink at each end. Above all this, and by distance, he must always collect the match fee from each member of his team or face the wrath of the catering officer.
This, I am sure will enlighten anyone interested in becoming a bowler