Sileby Bowls Club
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Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside the nursing home having a smoke, when it stared to rain. Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Sunny said "What's that's" Tina replied "A condom", " Where did you get it" said Sunny, "You can get them at any chemist" said Sunny. The next day Sunny hobbled into the nearest chemist and announced she wanted a pack of condom's. The chemist looked at her strangely (After all she was in her eighties) and asked "What brand would you prefer" Sunny replied "Doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel". The Chemist fainted.
I was chatting the other day with Gordon and Joe, we were discussing what we want our friends and family to say about us when we are lying in our coffins at our funerals. Joe said "I want them to remember what a great father and friend I was and that I could always be counted on". I said " I want them to say I made a good impression on the people I knew, and that I could be counted on". Gordon thought for a minute and said " I want them to look at me and say Look he's moving" .
Lost your pen=No pen No pen=No notes No notes=No study No study=Fail Fail=No diploma No diploma=No work No work=No money No money=No food No food=Skinny Skinny=Ugly Ugly=No love No love=No marriage No marriage=No children No children=Depression Depression=Sickness Sickness=Death Lesson--Don't lose your pen, You will die.
FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU.
FOOL ME TWICE, SHAME ON ME.
FOOL ME 350,000 TIMES, YOU ARE THE WEATHER MAN!!!!
Bob was in trouble. He had forgotten his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE". The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, and looked out of the window sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she put on her dressing gown and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back into the house. She opened the box and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday!!!
Found this photo of me, you can see I'm going to be a bowler in my later years!!!
I HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO LAST THE REST OF MY LIFE "UNLESS I BUY SOMETHING"
Doctor, Doctor, I can't stop singing, " The Green Green Grass of Home
"That's what we call Tom Jones Syndrome"
Oh! really? Is it common
Well" IT'S NOT UNUSUAL"
When one man notices a funeral procession, He quietly sets down his fishing rod, takes off his hat, and bows his head. When the procession is out of sight he picks up his rod and continues fishing. The other man says "Wow I never knew you had such a feeling side to you" to which the man reply's "It's the least I could have done, after all, we had been married for forty years".
WHEN WEARING A BIKINI, WOMEN REVEAL 90% OF THERE BODY--- MEN ARE SO POLITE THEY ONLY LOOK AT THE COVERED PARTS.
IN A SCHOOL CAFETERIA, A NUN PLACES A NOTE IN FRONT OF A PILE OF APPLES, "ONLY TAKE ONE. GOD IS WATCHING". FURTHER DOWN THE LINE IS A PILE OF COOKIES. A LITTLE BOY MAKES HIS OWN NOTE, "TAKE ALL YOU WANT. GOD IS WATCHING THE APPLES".