Thirsk Athletic Bowls Club
A native approached the cannibals meat shop, where the special of the day was 'Bowlers Brains'. These were priced from $1, $2, $3 and $10. The price difference puzzled the customer and so it was pointed out that, brains at $1 belonged to bowlers who had been leads, the $2 ones to those who had been seconds and the $3 ones to those who had been thirds.
Of course the brains marked at $!0 belonged to
the bowlers who had been skippers. When questioned about the unexpectedly high price put on skips brains. The Shopkeeper explained, 'Well, they're really very rare, you wouldn't believe how many skips we have to kill before we find one with a set.
Lady bowlers come and go
Dress rules go on forever
How dare you try to make a change
No never, never,never.
The men think we are a joke
and look like mobs of sheep
With madam snapping at our heels
It's to the rules you'll keep.
The young are keen to play the game
But won't of course unless
We put some colour on our frame
And try to change our dress.
The men indeed have got more sense
Their rules are not so stuffy
They have more fun and play the game
you've guessed it; dressed in 'mufti'.
1.) A guy who owned a bar won the lottery and to thank his customers he sold all drinks for a quarter. Two fellas walk in and each orders a beer. That's be 50 cents, says the bar owner. "50 cents! I can't believe it." says one of the customers. So the bar owner explains why he does this. Anyway, the two fellas order a couple of more rounds: double scotch on the rocks each and then brandy. Each time it's just a quarter a drink. As they're drinking their third drinks, they notice three people at the opposite end of the bar and they're not drinking anything. They're just sitting there, chatting. One of the customers leans over to the bar owner and says, "What's with those guys? How come they're not drinking?" Oh, they're lawn bowlers." answers the bar owner. "They're waiting for happy hour."
2.) The club's top bowler, a guy who had won every club championship numerous times, was known for carrying a little black book which regularly consulted during games. Whenever he stood on the mat, with a particularly difficult situation, he would take out this little book and then make a brilliant shot. Eventually he died and there was great interest in this book. many of the club's members approached the man's widow asking what she was planning to do with this legendary book. As a shrewd woman who was also in need of funds, she decided to auction the book off to the highest bidder. The auction was held at the club and after some very spirited bidding a member, who had often finished second to the now deceased champion, took possession of the much sought after and now quite expensive book. He could scarcely wait to take the book home and puruse its pages at leisure. He sat himself down in his study and began to leaf through the pages - and he found that the pages were blank! He finally came to a single page that had one sentence on it. It said;
"Small circle on the inside."
3.) The team's manager said that his top player would have performed better at the last tournament, if it hadn't been for the drinking and smoking and sex . . . especially between ends.
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
The Bowlers' own language - how to translate
The Sport of Bowls has its very own language which can totally mystify anyone who hears it, but hasn't had the pleasure of throwing a bowl in fun or earnest. For the information of the uninitiated, here are a few terms translated into standard English.
"Good weight!" = lousy line
"Good line" = lousy weight
"Good back bowl" = you were lucky you didn't put it in the ditch
"That's in their way" = that's in my way
"That could be useful up there" = that bowl is closer to you than it is to the jack
"Get it next time" = you sure didn't get it this time
"He's surprisingly good" = you're surprised he ever makes a shot
"I'd bowl with him any day" = he always buys the first round
As with any language there are irregular verbs. In English we have 'I am', 'you are', 'he is'. Well bowls also has its collection of irregular verbs. Here are a few:
1.) I use tactics
You use gamesmanship
2.) I can't read the greens
3.) I use the bowls in play
You get wicks
He has horse-shoes up his a**
4.) I put in a useful back bowl
He's lucky his bowl didn't go in the ditch
Three retirees, each with some hearing loss, were playing lawn bowls one fine March day in the Algarve.
One remarked to the other: "Windy, isn't it?"
The second replied: "No, it's Thursday."
And the third chimed in with: "So am I ... let's gave a beer!"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of adventures and activities, including Golf, Lawn Bowls and Bridge, but recently their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cardswhen one looked at the other and said "Now, don't get mad at me ... I know we have been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I have racked my brains, but it just won't come. Please tell me what your name is!"
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes. Finally, she said "How soon do you need to know?"
Three bowlers stood at the pearly gates, Their faces were sad and old. They humbly asked the man at the gate, Admission to the fold.
"What have you done?", St. Peter said, "To gain admission here". "Selectors sir, we have been For many a weary year".
The gates of Heaven flew open wide, As St. Peter pressed the bell. "Come in at once and take a harp, You've had enough of hell !"