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One Liners

1. What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

2. I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.

3. My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.

4. I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.

5. A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, "You have to help me, I think I'm shrinking." "Now settle down," the doctor calmly told him. "You'll just have to learn to be a little patient."

6. I wasn't that hungry, so I just ate a kid's meal at McDonalds. His mother was furious.

7. What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly? Stationary.

8. A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."

9. Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head. Because it's cap-sized.

10. My girlfriend says if we don't get married soon, she's gonna kill me. It's a matter of wife or death.

11. As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

12. I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.

13. The inventor of the throat lozenge died last month. There was no coffin at his funeral.

14. A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He’s now a seasoned veteran.

15. A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

16. I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.

17. I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.

18. Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

19. I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.